Ahh, the classic line we hear over and over in tv and movies...
Whatever my motivation is, I feel like I've had a lack of it lately. Maybe I need another two week vacation, or to start running/lifting regularly, or just get myself on some sort of schedule again. I sort of miss college where my days were structured more around classes instead of one big block of 8 hours. These past few weeks I've felt like I've spent my days at work thinking about what I **should** get done when I'm not at work, wondering why I'm not getting more done while I'm there, and then beating myself up because at the end of the day I feel like I've gotten nothing done.
The past week or so has been a little better. I've had this urge in me to make a better schedule, plan ahead, eat better/make a meal plan, work out 3-5 times a week, read my stack of magazines that are piling up, do some craft projects, plan some thing for Hans and I, volunteer to host a bbq for our friends.... and probably about 20+ more things.
HOWEVER, even though I've been feeling better (and maybe it's because we're seeing the sun again) this list of good and positive things still can seem overwhelming and leave me feeling paralyzed at times. Why? I'm guessing it's because I have a tendency to want to go big or go home, and when I can't "go big" I tend to get down on myself. Instead of thinking for example "Woohoo! You folded the laundry, ironed and responded to some emails tonight- that's 3 things off your list!", I tend to think "Ugh! That's only three things off my list and it's already 9:30?! I didn't get anything done."
I spent my day today cleaning the house from top to bottom, literally. I FINALLY got around to putting away my massive mountain of clothes and stuff in our upstairs bedroom and vacuumed, I tidied up the kitchen and made some kombucha (my first batch!), then I ended my day in the basement straightening up my office and doing laundry. It felt good to be moving all day and to physically put things in their places. I'm hoping today was the day I needed to sort of scratch off the big tasks on my list so that I can get to the smaller ones with out having to tell myself "But first I have to do this..." and actually have some fun.
As I sort out these thoughts, the little voice in the back of my head is screaming at me "RELAX! You're doing just fine." I should start believing it, :). When I cut off the voice though I start hearing "You cleaned the house but you didn't do/make...." and that right there is what I need to change. I know that Hans isn't going to hate me if I take an extra day to straighten up the basement because I want to go for a run, I know that I'm not breaking the bank if I decided to buy a salad for lunch instead of eating the unappealing left overs I brought for lunch, I know that no one will care if I didn't get to researching vitamins or whatever because I'm the only one who knew that was on the agenda and google will still be there tomorrow...above all else, what I should know is: if whatever decision I'm making is making me happy, then just enjoy it!
I know my excuses for why I am or am not doing things. I actually thought when I started writing this I'd for sure have a list of some sort. I'm glad I didn't. Really, in most of my discouraging moments I've been holding myself back, so I can't point fingers at anyone. AND if I am or was upset with something external I either need to speak up or change it up.
